Grieving

Grieving a loss is a universal experience.  We all suffer pain at the loss of someone we love.  And no matter how ‘prepared’ you might be (illness, service in war) you are never really ready for the actual experience and ‘finality’ of death.  Why does death affect you the way it does?  Although you cognitively know about death, you react to the emotional ‘cut off’ of the relationship—that reflection and exchange of love is no longer there.  And it feels devastating.

Even animals react to death in surprisingly emotional ways.  There are examples of elephants and gorillas showing incredibly ‘human’ attitudes towards a deceased infant or parent.  In one case I saw on a PBS special, a mother elephant risked losing the herd (because they moved on) by staying 2 days with a dead baby.  In this case, a sibling of the dead baby elephant went back and forth, trying to decide whether to stay with the mother and dead baby, or move forward with the herd.  You could actually see the indecision, the looming sense of loss, and the battle within.  The mother elephant was restless and ‘lost’ in her behavior.  She nudged the dead baby, and behaved in what I would call a ‘distressed’ way. 

If animals are capable of these kinds of behaviors, it should be no surprise that the death of someone you love would have a tremendous effect on you.  Life changes completely.  The closer someone is to you—the more intimately connected you are to him—the deeper the sense of loss you experience.  It is no wonder then, that the death of a parent, a child, or a spouse can feel devastating.

The intimacy in a relationship affects the depth of loss you feel.  When we have emotional intimacy with someone, the exchange of love and life experience gives you a predictable, safe, and positive reflection about yourself—who you are, who and what you love, what you experience in life.  A certain amount of your own significance is found in the person who will no longer be in your life.  Naturally you will miss that person.  But involved in that ‘missing’ is also the reflection of who you are.  This is why people can feel ‘lost’ and disoriented.  You have to learn a whole new way of ‘being’ without this person in your life, understanding who you are without that particular exchange, without your role identity with that person.  This is why this task can feel so overwhelming for a spouse who is widowed: after so many years of being ‘connected’ and sharing life through the lenses of a spouse, learning to see life without the ‘other’ feels totally foreign. 

There is a fairly predictable process of grieving you experience, because you are part of the human condition—being a fallen creature of God.  In this world, when a connection with someone you love is disconnected, you must find a way to live in this world without that connection.  A ‘standard’ in the therapeutic community for understanding the process of loss comes from the studies of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  This theory of loss was actually intended to describe the steps for someone who is dying, someone diagnosed with a terminal illness, and whose task is to accept what is happening beyond her control.  Therapeutically, these stages have worthy application to the process of grief for one who is losing someone to a terminal illness.  I will save the actual description and process of these stages for another blog; right now, I want to explain that there is a process, and some generalities about that process.

The process of loss involves the task, over time, to integrate the loss into your life.  One theory describes it this way: prior to the loss, your life is Organized; with the loss, your life becomes Chaotic and Disorganized; over time, through the grief process, your life will become Reorganized, returning you to a homeostasis of being.  Note that your world after you process your grief is Reorganized.  That is, it is and will not be, the same as it was prior to the loss, but it will be reconfigured so that your world is ‘stable’ despite its being unhappily different.

So how do you process through grief?  I will speak to this on the next blog.  But let me say this to start: you confront in depth how you relate to God when you go through a deep loss.  As I have shared in a previous blog, I held God at arm’s length in my experience of a sudden loss.  I was so hurt and angry, I couldn’t (or was it ‘wouldn’t’?) even talk to Him.  I withdrew from instead of reaching for Him, which made my sorrow prolonged and isolated.   And when I finally confronted Him in helpless desperation, it became clear that I had made it harder, because He was there all along.  That didn’t change the hurt, but it allowed me to lean on Him and cry my heart out.  I discovered He could be trusted, even though something had happened in my life which broke my heart. Those two things don’t feel right together, but as your love and relationship with Christ grows, you realize no matter what happens, He is the same trustworthy God, and He sustains you through it all as you allow Him.

In the next blog, I will talk a bit more about this process of grief.  May He bring comfort to you if you are suffering a loss.

Blessings,

Priscilla

Priscilla Ortlip MSW, LCSW, ACS

Founder and Executive Director
Christian Counselors Collaborative
www.cccpgh.org

Disclaimer:  I am a professional, licensed clinical therapist in the state of PA, but this blog is not a therapeutic venue—anything I state here is not for treatment or to address anyone’s specific emotional or mental health need.  If you are experiencing immediate distress, call 911.  If you would like to consider counseling with the CCC, please call Tom Laird at 1.855.222.2575.

 

When Does Grace Become Codependence?

Discerning between a gracious attitude and a codependent one can be very challenging.  Codependence can mask itself as grace.  It is gracious to comply, gracious to be giving, gracious to ‘go the extra mile’.  But it can also be codependent to comply, be giving, and ‘go the extra mile.  How do you know the difference, especially as a Christian who wants to be selfless, not selfish?

 

It is desirable, as Christians, to give grace, to offer forgiveness, to give another chance, in situations in relationships.  When a spouse name-calls, when a child disobeys with an attitude of disrespect, when an adult child needs your support—these are reasonable situations in which to offer grace and forgiveness.  But how do you know if and when the grace you offer is really grace and not codependence?

 

A general rule of thumb is this:  if your gracious behavior is a pattern of behavior which inhibits the other person’s ownership of responsibility which really belongs to him, then you are acting in a codependent way.  Whatever your conscious motivations might be (“He’s had a hard day, I want to support him”, “She doesn’t really mean disrespect, she’s just frustrated,” etc.), if your behavior prevents the other person from owning his behavior and taking responsibility for it, then you are being codependent. 

 

So for example, if your spouse calls you an unsavory name once in a blue moon, grace is in order.  If he calls you names regularly and belittles you daily, your tolerance prevents him from taking responsibility for his unhealthy—if not abusive—behavior towards you.  And there is no motive for him to change his behavior, because you are not holding him accountable for it.  If your child is disrespectful once in a while because she wants her way and doesn’t like your rules, a gracious response can show her that we all feel like rebelling sometimes, and we make mistakes.  But if she ‘rules the roost’ with her disrespect and attitude towards you, and you hold off because you are afraid, or because you do not want to raise her ire, or you make excuses for her, then your behavior is codependent.  Not confronting her and giving her consequences for her behavior and attitude towards you gives her permission to do it again, with impunity.  Finally, supporting an adult child who cannot hold a job, or who is struggling with the responsibilities of life, is a righteous parental response.  You always want to offer support and love, especially for a child who has unique struggles.  But when does helping your adult child hurt you and him?  If your ‘support’ keeps him from learning to handle his struggles himself, then you are not helping, but hurting him.  Your behavior can fix the immediate problem, but in the long run, unwittingly debilitate him from functioning in this world on his own.  Is that grace?  I would suggest not. 

 

In looking at lines of responsibility, I sometimes consider how our Lord responded to people who approached Him.  He always gave truthful answers, directing and confronting even, but then usually left the response to the one who approached him.  When the rich young ruler came to Him, Christ told him what he needed to do to be saved.  And when the Lord told him about the needed heart change, beyond the ‘head knowledge’ of the Pharisees (in response to a question, mind you), the young ruler turned, crestfallen, clearly struggling with the answer.  Now who would want this man to embrace the truth more than Christ would?  But did Christ follow after him, trying to convince him, suggesting ways he could help him, and ways he could pursue this truth?  Nope.  He handed out the truth, and it was up to the rich young ruler to embrace it.  The line of responsibility was clear.  The codependent has a difficult time ‘allowing’ the other person to fail, fall apart, suffer, struggle, and feel pain.  But if you don’t let that happen, you cut off growth for that person. 

 

Life is not very clear-cut.  Sometimes we struggle with the people we love the most!  Intimate and meaningful relationships can be so messy.  But it is very important to try to understand where responsibility begins and ends, so that you and the other person can both grow to your full potential and responsibility.  This is easier said than done, of course, but not only is this do-able, but the freedom released allows a full development of yourself and the other (if he also embraces it).

 

In the next blog (and final one on codependence) I will address the challenges in changing codependent behavior. 

 

Blessings,

Priscilla

 

Benefits for Codependents

When you look at the typical codependent, you often see a life of sacrifice and giving.  The codependent role is a sympathetic one.   Generally, you are drawn to her grace, steadfastness, and loyalty to the dependent—above even her own needs.  We have sympathy and even empathy for the codependent who often martyrs her life, and tolerates great distress, for the sake of focusing on and caring for someone else. 

In truth, codependence is an emotional trap, and if you want to grow into who God created you to be in the fullest sense, you need to understand your emotional paralysis in being codependent.  Let me unfold some concepts so my meaning is clear, because I want to be an encouragement to you who may not even know you are in a codependent relationship.

Codependence has a lot of hidden benefits for the codependent.  In the last blog, I described a variety of relationships which might be fertile soil for codependence.  In those relationships, the dependent and the codependent share benefits—different ones, but nonetheless, benefits.  How does someone who gives and gives and gives, who fashions her day around an abusive drunk, for example, have benefits?  On the surface, it looks like she is the one suffering.  And she does suffer.  She is stifled, frightened, often anxious, and lives a life of constriction.  But there is another side to codependence.

At a subconscious level, codependence is a safe place to live.  You receive sympathy, you are usually right when the dependent is usually wrong, you have a position of righteousness, and you actually have a level of control despite the felt lack of control (given the addict’s behavior you cannot fix).  You have a certain command of the situation you have to deal with, no matter how difficult and challenging.  You have a role you know how to play, and you are in reality, the ‘good guy’, while the addict is clearly in the wrong.  You have an identity you are familiar with, and it is comfortable despite its stress and often sorrow.

Codependence loses its benefit (using the abusive alcoholic spouse example) when a woman stuck in this relationship is so focused on her role, she does not realize how restricted she has made her life.  She cannot develop herself, but rather, spends much of her life building up the dependent—or sometimes focuses her codependent behavior towards her children.  Instead of focusing on self-growth, she ‘sacrifices’ her life to focus on her children.  She doesn’t have to struggle with her own issues, but stays put in her role as the sacrificial martyr, and never grows beyond what she learned in her family of origin.  She often settles into a pattern of exasperation with the dependent, simmering on the surface, but ready to explode just under the surface, because of his ‘bad’ behavior.  Her attitude towards the dependent can be resentful and even disrespectful —evident to those around her.  Her own capacity for being stretched and growing is rarely felt because she spends her time and energy worrying about, caring for, and being angry at, the dependent and perhaps her children.   Codependents can be seen as nagging; they can come across in almost a self-righteous way, always pointing the finger and always correcting or complaining about the one in the wrong.

Codependents get so stuck in this role, they usually do not acknowledge their own needs.  Since their focus is elsewhere, on the dependent, it’s no wonder then when you ask a codependent about her needs, she looks at you blankly, as though the words have no meaning.  As Christians, we often judge the idea of having needs as selfish.  The assumed righteous position is that you are not supposed to put your needs over another person’s needs, ever.  Really? 

The concept of sacrifice does of course apply in love, most obviously with your children.  Parents should put their children’s safety and well-being above their own needs.   New mothers and fathers know this right from the beginning of parenthood, living the first number of months after a new birth with little or no sleep during the night!  Spouses too, should sacrifice in areas which support or build each other, in reasonable measure. 

But there is selfishness and refusal to sacrifice ever (which is sinful), and then there is self-nourishment and placing responsibility where it belongs.  This is boundary talk.  The self-effacing modis operandi of a codependent may be more about staying in a realm of predictability and control than being truly humble or modest.  I speak as someone who has lived as a codependent in the past, so I’m not trying to be critical—just real.  I see these issues all the time in counseling.  This functions at such subconscious behavior, that it is often my privilege to help someone see –for the first time-- the full picture in the full context of his/her life.  There may be angst and gnashing of teeth upon understanding your codependence, but at the same time, there is great rejoicing and relief in learning that there is a different way to live.  Taking on only your responsibility as appropriate (that which really belongs to you) and not everyone else’s may initially cause distress to relationships (rocking the boat, upsetting the apple cart, changing expectations); but the long term effects are positive, in the very least for you, and for all, if all share in the desire to be who God created them to be.

Next blog I will address further indications of codependence, and discerning codependence from grace in relationships.   Meanwhile, if you would like to read more about codependence, there are a few good books about it, from a Christian context:

• From Bondage to Bonding—Nancy Groome
• Love is a Choice—Hemfelt, Minirth, Meier
• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life—Cloud & Townsend

Blessings,
Priscilla

 

How Do You Become Codependent?

Does anyone choose to be codependent?  In all my years of counseling, I have never met someone who consciously chose to be codependent in a relationship.  I have known people who chose not to change their codependent behavior once they became aware of it, but they never chose to be codependent.  So how does codependence happen?

Typically, we learn how to be in relationship through the families we grow up in.  In other words, if your family of origin had codependent dynamics, you likely learned those dynamics too, and brought them into your adult relationships.  Sometimes people develop codependent behavior as a means of tolerating a difficult situation in their family of origin.  The codependent tools become a means for survival or management, and usually these tools are not exchanged for healthier ones until you hit a crisis—which sends you (hopefully) into counseling, where you learn about your codependent dynamics.

Here’s a fictitious example.  Jane grew up in a codependent family:  her father was an abusive alcoholic, and her mother ‘walked on eggshells’ around him, so as not to upset him.  If her mother complained or tried to stand up for herself and the children, Jane’s father blew up, throwing things, breaking things, and even at times pushing Jane’s mother physically.  He was a ‘mean drunk’, demanding and critical, and all the family members just kept the peace by not confronting him in any way.  Once in a while, Jane’s mother would yell back, but the penalty she suffered for this only reinforced keeping her mouth shut.

What does Jane learn in this situation?   Here are some probable lessons learned, which are not typically learned at a cognitive level, but rather at an emotional level, unstated:

• Confrontation is dangerous, so don’t do it.  Keeping quiet is safe.
• Jane father’s needs are the priority; your needs are not important, so don’t have any needs because they won’t be met.
• If you are hurting, just handle it.  No one can do anything anyway.
• Emotions are hard to handle, if not dangerous, so just pretend you don’t have any so you (and your father) stay under control.
• Your role is to support and keep the peace.

There are more perhaps, but you can see what is ‘inherited’ in this family situation.  How you react also depends on your personality tendencies.  Many people react internally, and so are more likely to become codependent in the typical fashion.  But some are more external in their reaction, and rather than comply (codependently) with this horrible scenario, they act out and become belligerent, in an effort to change the dynamic.   They might become a ‘competitive’ problem in the household, causing distress along with the addicted father.   When you are a child, you are powerless, and have very few options open to you to make a bad situation better.   Because of this, if a child responds by complying, doing his best not to stir up trouble, this response can become roots for codependence.

So when Jane starts to date, what kind of boy will she respond to?  What will her choices be?  She will likely not even know she has choices, first of all.  And when someone is codependent, it isn’t magic that makes a man (in this case) who is demanding find a woman like Jane.  She doesn’t consciously choose him anymore than he consciously chooses her—but a man similar to her father will see in her the compliance and malleability he needs in a woman, and she will see someone who needs her support, so the two connect.  And the cycle begins again.

There are many ways codependence works in relationships; the usual addiction (drugs/alcohol) does not have to be present.  Here are a few examples:

• A domestic violence relationship is codependent.  There is enough ‘love’ expressed between the two that the victim believes it is worth staying for it, but the victim typically cannot express needs.  Her focus is on him.   
• Mental illness can create a codependent scenario.  If the family walks on eggshells around someone with mental illness, there is a codependent dynamic which constrains everyone’s way of relating.
• Control can mask as religiosity in a family: a husband who demands strict obedience and uses the Bible as a bat to subdue any opinion other than his own, creates a codependent response in his wife and children.  He may look God-honoring, but his behavior dynamics are about controlling others who obey in fear.
• A family in which there is someone who is helpless for valid reasons—like someone with chronic illness, or someone who is disabled or unable to work—can create a codependence in a relationship if s/he needs the focus on him/her at all times.  The spouse becomes the support and ‘do-er’ in the relationship and takes no time for his/her needs.

Please understand these examples are possible situations for codependence.  Not all families with disability or mental illness, for example, have codependent dynamics.  But these situations create a fertile ground for such.  The issue is imbalance in the relationships—where one person’s needs, legitimate in their roots perhaps, override everyone else’s needs.

What you can see in these examples is the basis for the dynamic the codependent has with the dependent—or the person of focus.  In drug addiction, the alcoholic is the dependent, and the codependent is the spouse, parent, or child.  In this and the above examples, the codependent is as ‘addicted’ as the target addict:  the codependent has a compulsive connection to the dependent in the relationship, and often struggles to get free, once aware of this dynamic. 

Next time, I will address what perceived and subconscious benefits the codependent has (the basis for the codependent’s addiction), and what she gains in this relationship.

Blessings,
Priscilla

Priscilla Ortlip MSW, LCSW, ACS

Founder and Executive Director
Christian Counselors Collaborative
www.cccpgh.org

Disclaimer: I am a professional, licensed clinical therapist in the state of PA, but this blog is not a therapeutic venue—anything I state here is not for treatment or to address anyone’s specific emotional or mental health need. If you are experiencing immediate distress, call 911. If you would like to consider counseling with the CCC, please call Tom Laird at 1.855.222.2575.

What Is Codependence?

You have probably heard about codependence.  This term developed from the field of addiction, describing the relationship between an addict and someone in relationship with the addict.  The ‘codependent’ is one who is ‘psychologically dependent on the (addict) in an unhealthy way’ (Dictionary.com).  In Love Is A Choice, by Hemfelt, Minirth, and Meier, codependence is defined as: ‘an addiction to people, behaviors, or things.  Codependence is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside.  To the codependent, control or the lack of it is central to every aspect of life’ (p.11).  That is a complicated definition, because there is so much involved in a codependent relationship.  I hope to help decipher some of the aspects of this relationship over the next few blogs. 

On the surface, codependence appears to be a very benign if not benevolent way to be: codependents are typically helpful, ‘be there for you’ kinds of people.  And from my years of counseling people with codependence, I believe it is a natural way to be for those whose hearts are kind and helpful.  At her root, the codependent is not manipulative.  But when you look at codependent behavior, you could conclude that the codependent exhibits controlling and even manipulative behavior.  It is an interesting contradiction, and I will get into the dynamics of it as we unpack this issue.

What does codependent behavior look like?  Well, a typical codependent is defined through relationship with an addict.  (The addict too, is codependent in this relationship.  The ‘co‘ suggests they need each other in this codependence, but for different reasons, meeting different needs.)  So, for example, the wife of a drug addict might be codependent by tolerating addicted behavior (which can often be abusive), helping protect the addict from the law or his boss, making excuses for him when he cannot get to work, etc.  Some codependents actually purchase the cases of beer so that there is always alcohol in the house for the alchoholic!  I have often seen codependence in a parent, tolerating addicted behavior of a child: the adult son, for example, who cannot hold a job, who continues to ‘borrow’ money from his parents, and who crashes at their home because he cannot support himself.  Some parents live like this for years, because they do not want to see their son on the street, homeless, or helpless.  I can only imagine how difficult this situation would be for a parent.

No doubt you have heard of the term ‘tough love’, which refers to ways of dealing with an addict.  Tough love refers to setting up boundaries around the addict’s behavior, so that any codependent behavior stops.  The rationale is this: if you continue to make excuses for the addict, you help contribute to the addict’s ‘comfort’ in not changing.  If he has a reliable place to crash, then he will never reach ‘rock bottom’ and never have to deal with his addiction.  These principals are all essentially true.  As difficult as it may feel for a parent (using the same example), you must let the addict ‘crash and burn’ so that he recognizes that HE must do something to change for his own survival.  No one else can help him.  Codependents try to help in their kind ways, but inadvertently prevent the addict from getting free from addiction.

If you look beneath the surface of this codependent behavior, you can consider that there are different subconscious reasons someone might be codependent with an addict.  Let’s use this parent and addicted son example again.  The codependent behavior is not intended to prevent healing, although that’s essentially what the codependent does.  Rather, the codependent behavior may be driven by a desire to: avoid the pain and grief of seeing your son suffer; avoid being without the relationship (if he becomes homeless, or goes into treatment); avoid focus on other broken relationships; avoid facing your own problems and issues.  When you are wrapped around someone else’s issues, you have no time to deal with your own.  Codependents become as trapped as the addict in life focus.

To become free from codependent behavior, you have to be willing to explore your own subconscious motives.  Again, these are not malicious motives, but survival motives, usually—ways of doing and being which meet a need from years ago.  Once you find a way to cope with brokenness (trauma, abuse, emotional injury) you stick to it, because it has helped you survive.  Learning about your behaviors helps you understand them, and helps you choose to change them.  And there is wonderful freedom in that change!  I see it all the time, by God’s grace.

I will begin to address some of the less obvious situations where there is codependence, in the next blog. 

Blessings,
Priscilla

Priscilla Ortlip MSW, LCSW, ACS

Founder and Executive Director
Christian Counselors Collaborative
www.cccpgh.org

Disclaimer:  I am a professional, licensed clinical therapist in the state of PA, but this blog is not a therapeutic venue—anything I state here is not for treatment or to address anyone’s specific emotional or mental health need.  If you are experiencing immediate distress, call 911.  If you would like to consider counseling with the CCC, please call Tom Laird at 1.855.222.2575.

 

Emotional Pain

The topic of pain is one which has been addressed by far more intellectual and theologically trained minds than mine.  But I raise this topic, because emotional pain is a pertinent issue when it comes to counseling. Discomfort (at the low end of the ‘pain’ scale) and trauma (at the high end of the ‘pain’ scale) both can bring us to the point of wanting to talk to someone.  I have learned personally, and have observed through my years of counseling others, that emotional pain, although at times devastating, can present an opportunity to learn about ourselves, about God and our relationship with Him, and about how to effectively journey on in this life.  Pain is a part of life.

Physical pain is pretty straightforward.  We get hurt, we go to the doctor or hospital, get treated, and wait for the physical healing.  Because we know that once a bone is set, for example, it’s only a matter of time for the bone to heal and everything can return to ‘normal’, there isn’t much to process with this kind of pain in itself, other than learning patience perhaps!  [There are exceptions to this simple example, such as chronic pain, pain which reveals a serious illness, or physical disability which causes pain.  But these exceptions move us toward the issue of emotional pain.]

In comparison, emotional pain presents with complexity on many levels.  As with physical pain, we have differences in tolerance, and how we handle the accompanying emotional distress.  Some may withdraw, others may become aggressive, and still others may carry on without acknowledging the pain.  If the pain is deep enough, no matter what we do, it will express itself in some way, and often the way it expresses itself becomes intolerable, and leads the heart to seek relief.  Counseling is one way to help bring relief.

I see emotional pain as an indication of the disparity between what God has intended for us as His children, made in His image, and how we interact with and experience each other in our fallen world.  Specifically, I see ‘made in His image’ to mean being branded with the essence of God: love, which we are created to give Him and each other.  If I had to summarize the main cause for pain brought to counseling, I would say it is because we have experienced something other than the love God has created us to give and receive.  Of course in any relationship, we can experience disappointment and anger, to name two common emotions.  But emotional distress which cries for counseling usually belies some level of hurt, fear, unforgiveness, anger, sorrow—all of which are contrary to the heart of love. 

We are capable of wounding each other to great depths.  And typically, the depth of the hurt reflects the depth of the relationship.  When we are deeply connected, such as in family relationships, and someone wounds with, for example, abusive behavior, it is particularly poignant and challenging to understand what that person has done, through the eyes of grace and forgiveness. 

This kind of hurt can be processed in counseling, when one has finally acknowledged the pain, and seeks to rise above it, overcoming the impact.  Part of processing pain, is letting you feel it.  As I have mentioned before, some Christians think they are not supposed to feel sad, broken, or angry, for example.  But if we don’t ‘own’ the feelings, then we can’t truly submit them to God for His healing.  Recognizing the depth, understanding the impact, and acknowledging our own imperfect responses, prepares us to bring our brokenness to the feet of Christ.  And that’s where it gets good!

I have had the privilege of walking alongside people who are broken in many different ways, and I see over and over, how God brings comfort out of anguish, forgiveness out of resentment, and compassion out of anger.  Emotional pain is challenging for us all; but what pain can eventually transform into, through God’s love and grace, is incredible! 

Blessings,

Priscilla Ortlip

MSW, LCSW, ACS

Founder and Executive Director
The Christian Counselors Collaborative

www.cccpgh.org

Disclaimer:  I am a professional, licensed clinical therapist in the state of PA, but this blog is not a therapeutic venue—anything I state here is not for treatment or to address anyone’s specific emotional or mental health need.  If you are experiencing immediate distress, call 911.  If you would like to consider counseling at the CCC, please call Tom Laird at 1.855.222.2575.

What Makes a Good Counselor?

If you are a Christian seeking emotional health that lines up with spiritual truth, the best counselor for you is one who uses the Great Counselor in helping guide you through your problems.  There are many ideas about how this should look, even among Christian counselors, so acknowledging that, I offer my own experienced opinion here.

Let’s start with qualifications for counseling.  When I received my license in 1986, the only master’s level therapists, generally speaking, were from the discipline of social work.  MSW therapists (master’s in social work) were the backbone of providing all kinds of counseling—marital, family, individual, and child.  Typically, anyone who became qualified through the discipline of psychology pursued a doctoral degree (PhD) and they counseled as well.  But they were more expensive, for insurance companies, agencies and clients.

Then about 10 years ago, a movement began within the discipline of psychology to qualify master’s level psychology majors to counsel just like the MSW therapist.  This movement has effectively provided a new group of therapists in the field who are now licensed to counsel, just like the social work counselors.  The clinical license (which means someone is trained to do therapy) for the social work discipline is the LCSW (licensed clinical social worker); the clinical license for the psychology discipline is the LPC (licensed professional counselor).  In my opinion, counselors with either license are equally qualified professionally.

So what makes a professionally qualified counselor a good Christian counselor?  Again, there are varying perspectives on this topic.  I have heard from clients that some therapists advertise themselves as Christian therapists, but never use scripture, prayer, or a discussion of walking in the Spirit as part of the counseling process  It was a mere title, but not indicative of the therapeutic approach.  I think a client seeking Christian counseling is generally looking for understanding of his problems within the context of Christian faith.  That means, understanding behavior in terms of God’s truth.  If you are looking for a Christian counselor, it is advisable to ask for whatever you want in the counseling as you are ‘shopping’.  It is reasonable to search for the best ‘fit’ for you.  It is important to speak to this, because, ethically speaking, a therapist cannot assume you want counseling which applies your faith—you need to express that you want it.

As I have mentioned before, some Christian therapists shun use of tools from the field of psychology, believing they distract from the truth of scripture.  I do not share this perspective, although as Christians, we should always be discerning the Holy Spirit’s leading in any situation.  There are probably some ‘Christian’ therapists who may talk about ‘poor self esteem’, for example, without speaking to God’s view of us as his beloved, which gives us the real esteem we need!

A large part of counseling is learning to frame problems in a way which helps to bring understanding and hope to the issue.  Some approaches to do this include looking at environment, what has been reinforced in one’s life, and how someone may have tried to run from or react to situations.  Most of our reactions to problems involve avoiding them, one way or the other.  We distract ourselves, trying to bury the hurts, with work, food, drugs, alcohol, etc., and avoid facing the pain we must address.  We let the hurt separate us from the One who can show us His healing.  We are desperate, in need of hope, so we can finally face the work ahead.  And often, the Lord allows crisis to push us to that point!

Whatever the specific approach, the undergirding framework should be the relationship we have with God.  We are made in his image.  He wants us to know his love, his grace, his forgiveness, his truth.   Getting to that point of understanding takes some work.  We usually want instant relief, but that does not typically happen, because our feelings usually block us from application of God’s truth.  Because we are human, and our nature is sinful (it is ‘about’ us) we usually need to travel down a path of grief, anger, or fear, before we are ready to receive God’s healing. 

There is so much to share, and I could go on and on, because I rejoice in the fact that God is always ready for us to find Him!  I have seen such wonderful ‘reunions’ with clients once they have let go of their hurt and distress!  My main point is that a Christian therapist will help walk you through these steps, bringing you to the threshold which you must cross, to enter into God’s healing. 

And finally, a plug:  the Christian Counselors Collaborative (CCC), the counseling program born out of Allegheny Center Alliance Church’s counseling department, has such therapists you might consider.  All it takes is a phone call to our intake coordinator, Tom Laird (1.855.222.2575) to find out if there is a counselor to help you walk through whatever struggles you have. 

Blessings,

Priscilla

Priscilla Ortlip,MSW, LCSW, ACS

Founder and Executive Director
The Christian Counselors Collaborative
www.cccpgh.org

Disclaimer:  I am a professional, licensed clinical therapist in the state of PA, but this blog is not a therapeutic venue—anything I state here is not for treatment or to address anyone’s specific emotional or mental health need.  If you are experiencing immediate distress, call 911.  If you would like to consider counseling here at ACAC, please call Tom Laird at 1.855.222.2575.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"So Am I Crazy?"

I have been asked this question in counseling more times than I can count, and each time it surprises me.  This may not be news to you, but I want to be sure you know we don’t use the term ‘crazy’ in the field of psychotherapy!  The word actually was used many years ago as a term to describe someone who was psychotic, who was behaving in bazaar ways.  But using it today to describe someone who is psychotic is like using the word ‘crippled’ for someone who has a physical disability.  Sadly, there are people who have mental illness with psychosis—typically, people who suffer with schizophrenia.  This is a serious illness, and it is nothing to joke about.  Psychosis is treatable, and, schizophrenic people need the same love and respect that you and I need.

But why then might someone jump to the most extreme (and demeaning) word (‘crazy’) after talking about his problems when coming to counseling?  Because of the stigma about counseling that exists in our culture.   I think the real question being asked is, “Are you going to judge me because of my problems, symptoms, worries, behaviors?”  Well, I’m not going to judge you.  I’m already biased in favor of counseling because that’s what I do, and I think it’s helpful for you and for your relationships—even (and sometimes, especially) your relationship with God!  I think we all need counseling at some point in our lives, and for some of us, for more than one season.  Remember, I see counseling as a form of discipling.

But the question is asked because our culture is judgmental.  We fear being seen as ‘crazy’ because having problems means you have a weakness or a flaw, something embarrassing or even shameful. I wonder how many people pretend they have no problems (or, not very big ones) to avoid being considered ‘crazy’.  And I would guess their problems still show up no matter how much effort they make (through drugs, alcohol, excuses, control, work, perfection, worry…) to keep them from showing.  I liken this to sitting on a beach ball in a pool, trying to balance on it, keeping it under water.  Eventually, it pops up, defeating all your efforts to keep it hidden. 

I think the more appropriate question to consider is “Am I broken?” My response to that question is, ‘Yes, you and I both!’ because we are.  My side of the table represents brokenness just like your side.  We all need truth, we all need love—the truth and love of Jesus Christ.  How does that relate to counseling?  I’m so glad you asked!

The logo of the Christian Counselors Collaborative or CCC (the counseling program grown out of the counseling department at ACAC), which depicts a flame, is taken from Psalm 119:105:

   “Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” 

 

God’s truth, appropriately given in love, helps define what the current situation really is (shines a light onto one’s ‘feet’ for orientation and true understanding) and helps show the direction ahead for walking in that truth (shines a light onto one’s ‘path’ beyond—usually with new ways to think, do, and be).  This is a process which can take time.  Counseling is the perfect setting for such a process. 

I also like the verses found in Psalm 40:1-3 as a description of the process of God’s direction and healing: 

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.”

 

To me, this describes God’s mercy and love towards us when we are so broken.  All we have to do is cry out and wait.  And I think that waiting is not passive, but seeking, expectant.  If we are seeking truth, He will not withhold it from us.  He lifts us out of our sorrow, trouble, brokenness.  (This is usually felt in counseling when a client can express fears, feelings, behaviors, without condemnation; our Lord does the same).  He sets our feet on a solid rock (His truth, often learned in counseling, corrects lies some of us believe).  He puts a new song in our mouths (a heart freed from condemnation, freed from resentments, anger, grief—through repentance and forgiveness; a heart of thankfulness and praise, from a renewed relationship with God).  And many will see the changes, and will hear our testimonies of His faithfulness. 

Hmm.  Is this ‘crazy’?  Then by God’s grace, I’m certifiable, and blessed to be so!

Blessings,

Priscilla

MSW, LCSW, ACS

Founder and Executive Director
The Christian Counselors Collaborative
www.cccpgh.org

Disclaimer:  I am a professional, licensed clinical therapist in the state of PA, but this blog is not a therapeutic venue—anything I state here is not for treatment or to address anyone’s specific emotional or mental health need.  If you are experiencing immediate distress, call 911.  If you would like to consider counseling with the CCC, please call Tom Laird at 1.855.222.2575.

What Is Christian Counseling?

The concept of ‘professional counseling’, even ‘professional Christian counseling’, is challenging to many Christians.  There is a belief among some Christians that counseling is secular, that all answers to life’s struggles can be found only in scripture, without the use of tools from psychology or psychiatry.  This approach, which holds the premise that all our issues come from our sinful state, is called ‘Nouthetic’ counseling.  I am not going to argue with the concept that scripture speaks to all our needs!  I won’t even argue with the concept that at the base of all our problems is our sinfulness, and that the way to healing is through our repentance and adherence to God’s truth!  Absolutely, I agree.  But to assume that all of us share a capacity to look at our pain and suffering in accurate and helpful ways, is to assume that we surpass our sinful state in ability to perceive correctly, and to assume we know what to do to make changes in our lives.  I think we can use help in doing so, and that there are tools in the profession of counseling which can legitimately aid in reaching God’s truth for our lives.

I see counseling as a form of discipling.   In Christian counseling, a therapist seeks the Holy Spirit’s guidance (with use of scripture and prayer) to walk alongside someone who is suffering or struggling in some way, to help comfort (2 Cor. 1:3,4) and help renew the mind (Romans 8:12).  Much of counseling is learning right thinking, correcting what Pastor Rock Dillaman (Allegheny Center Alliance Church) refers to as ‘stinkin’ thinkin’’.  We often believe lies (without knowing it!) about ourselves, about life, about God, which we learn from our environment, even in some cases, from people who love us.  And we know who the source of all lies is.  We hear all kinds of ‘scripts’ about life, own them, and then find ourselves in opposition to what God intended for us to feel and believe.  Counseling offers a way to learn truth, and to be accountable to that truth.

Some Christians think that going to counseling means you are lacking spiritual fortitude, faithfulness, or closeness to God.  None of us has all the answers, and none of us is immune to needing help!  That unfortunate (and prideful) mindset prevents many from getting their needs met—whether it’s asking for directions when driving, or asking for guidance in dealing with a struggle.  Going to counseling, from my perspective, means you are willing to receive what He has for you—new understanding, and new ways to live.  That takes acknowledging a need.  It takes vulnerability.  It may not be comfortable, but it is worth the risk!  If you seek counseling with a heart willing to learn from Him, then God will not disappoint you.  I have seen it over and over in my 26 years of counseling others.  I have also seen it in my own personal experience getting counseling.

As I move forward in this blog, I hope to address a few more concerns about professional Christian counseling, and eventually talk about some issues which we all struggle with, and some issues specific to certain emotional needs.  I hope this is informative, but more, I hope this will be encouraging to anyone who is hurting, and who might consider seeking counseling help.  I welcome feedback, opinions, and experiences with counseling (both good and bad).  Looking forward to next time!

Priscilla Ortlip

MSW, LCSW, ACS

Founder and Executive Director

The Christian Counselors Collaborative

www.cccpgh.org

Disclaimer:  I am a professional, licensed clinical therapist in the state of PA, but this blog is not a therapeutic venue—anything I state here is not for treatment or to address anyone’s specific emotional or mental health need.  If you are experiencing immediate distress, call 911.  If you would like to consider counseling with the CCC, please call Tom Laird at 1.855.222.2575.