In truth, codependence is an emotional trap, and if you want to grow into who God created you to be in the fullest sense, you need to understand your emotional paralysis in being codependent. Let me unfold some concepts so my meaning is clear, because I want to be an encouragement to you who may not even know you are in a codependent relationship.
Codependence has a lot of hidden benefits for the codependent. In the last blog, I described a variety of relationships which might be fertile soil for codependence. In those relationships, the dependent and the codependent share benefits—different ones, but nonetheless, benefits. How does someone who gives and gives and gives, who fashions her day around an abusive drunk, for example, have benefits? On the surface, it looks like she is the one suffering. And she does suffer. She is stifled, frightened, often anxious, and lives a life of constriction. But there is another side to codependence.
At a subconscious level, codependence is a safe place to live. You receive sympathy, you are usually right when the dependent is usually wrong, you have a position of righteousness, and you actually have a level of control despite the felt lack of control (given the addict’s behavior you cannot fix). You have a certain command of the situation you have to deal with, no matter how difficult and challenging. You have a role you know how to play, and you are in reality, the ‘good guy’, while the addict is clearly in the wrong. You have an identity you are familiar with, and it is comfortable despite its stress and often sorrow.
Codependence loses its benefit (using the abusive alcoholic spouse example) when a woman stuck in this relationship is so focused on her role, she does not realize how restricted she has made her life. She cannot develop herself, but rather, spends much of her life building up the dependent—or sometimes focuses her codependent behavior towards her children. Instead of focusing on self-growth, she ‘sacrifices’ her life to focus on her children. She doesn’t have to struggle with her own issues, but stays put in her role as the sacrificial martyr, and never grows beyond what she learned in her family of origin. She often settles into a pattern of exasperation with the dependent, simmering on the surface, but ready to explode just under the surface, because of his ‘bad’ behavior. Her attitude towards the dependent can be resentful and even disrespectful —evident to those around her. Her own capacity for being stretched and growing is rarely felt because she spends her time and energy worrying about, caring for, and being angry at, the dependent and perhaps her children. Codependents can be seen as nagging; they can come across in almost a self-righteous way, always pointing the finger and always correcting or complaining about the one in the wrong.
Codependents get so stuck in this role, they usually do not acknowledge their own needs. Since their focus is elsewhere, on the dependent, it’s no wonder then when you ask a codependent about her needs, she looks at you blankly, as though the words have no meaning. As Christians, we often judge the idea of having needs as selfish. The assumed righteous position is that you are not supposed to put your needs over another person’s needs, ever. Really?
The concept of sacrifice does of course apply in love, most obviously with your children. Parents should put their children’s safety and well-being above their own needs. New mothers and fathers know this right from the beginning of parenthood, living the first number of months after a new birth with little or no sleep during the night! Spouses too, should sacrifice in areas which support or build each other, in reasonable measure.
But there is selfishness and refusal to sacrifice ever (which is sinful), and then there is self-nourishment and placing responsibility where it belongs. This is boundary talk. The self-effacing modis operandi of a codependent may be more about staying in a realm of predictability and control than being truly humble or modest. I speak as someone who has lived as a codependent in the past, so I’m not trying to be critical—just real. I see these issues all the time in counseling. This functions at such subconscious behavior, that it is often my privilege to help someone see –for the first time-- the full picture in the full context of his/her life. There may be angst and gnashing of teeth upon understanding your codependence, but at the same time, there is great rejoicing and relief in learning that there is a different way to live. Taking on only your responsibility as appropriate (that which really belongs to you) and not everyone else’s may initially cause distress to relationships (rocking the boat, upsetting the apple cart, changing expectations); but the long term effects are positive, in the very least for you, and for all, if all share in the desire to be who God created them to be.
Next blog I will address further indications of codependence, and discerning codependence from grace in relationships. Meanwhile, if you would like to read more about codependence, there are a few good books about it, from a Christian context:
- From Bondage to Bonding—Nancy Groome
- Love is a Choice—Hemfelt, Minirth, Meier
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life—Cloud & Townsend
Blessings,
Priscilla
