It is desirable, as Christians, to give grace, to offer
forgiveness, to give another chance, in situations in relationships. When a spouse name-calls, when a child
disobeys with an attitude of disrespect, when an adult child needs your
support—these are reasonable situations in which to offer grace and
forgiveness. But how do you know if and
when the grace you offer is really grace and not codependence?
A general rule of thumb is this: if your gracious behavior is a pattern of
behavior which inhibits the other person’s ownership of responsibility which
really belongs to him, then you are acting in a codependent way. Whatever your conscious motivations might be
(“He’s had a hard day, I want to support him”, “She doesn’t really mean
disrespect, she’s just frustrated,” etc.), if your behavior prevents the other
person from owning his behavior and taking responsibility for it, then you are
being codependent.
So for example, if your spouse calls you an unsavory name
once in a blue moon, grace is in order.
If he calls you names regularly and belittles you daily, your tolerance
prevents him from taking responsibility for his unhealthy—if not
abusive—behavior towards you. And there
is no motive for him to change his behavior, because you are not holding him
accountable for it. If your child is
disrespectful once in a while because she wants her way and doesn’t like your
rules, a gracious response can show her that we all feel like rebelling
sometimes, and we make mistakes. But if
she ‘rules the roost’ with her disrespect and attitude towards you, and you
hold off because you are afraid, or because you do not want to raise her ire, or
you make excuses for her, then your behavior is codependent. Not confronting her and giving her
consequences for her behavior and attitude towards you gives her permission to
do it again, with impunity. Finally, supporting
an adult child who cannot hold a job, or who is struggling with the
responsibilities of life, is a righteous parental response. You always want to offer support and love,
especially for a child who has unique struggles. But when does helping your adult child hurt
you and him? If your ‘support’ keeps him
from learning to handle his struggles himself, then you are not helping, but
hurting him. Your behavior can fix the
immediate problem, but in the long run, unwittingly debilitate him from
functioning in this world on his own. Is
that grace? I would suggest not.
In looking at lines of responsibility, I sometimes consider
how our Lord responded to people who approached Him. He always gave truthful answers, directing
and confronting even, but then usually left the response to the one who
approached him. When the rich young
ruler came to Him, Christ told him what he needed to do to be saved. And when the Lord told him about the needed
heart change, beyond the ‘head knowledge’ of the Pharisees (in response to a
question, mind you), the young ruler turned, crestfallen, clearly struggling
with the answer. Now who would want this
man to embrace the truth more than Christ would? But did Christ follow after him, trying to
convince him, suggesting ways he could help him, and ways he could pursue this
truth? Nope. He handed out the truth, and it was up to the
rich young ruler to embrace it. The line
of responsibility was clear. The
codependent has a difficult time ‘allowing’ the other person to fail, fall
apart, suffer, struggle, and feel pain.
But if you don’t let that happen, you cut off growth for that
person.
Life is not very clear-cut.
Sometimes we struggle with the people we love the most! Intimate and meaningful relationships can be
so messy. But it is very important to try
to understand where responsibility begins and ends, so that you and the other
person can both grow to your full potential and responsibility. This is easier said than done, of course, but
not only is this do-able, but the freedom released allows a full development of
yourself and the other (if he also embraces it).
In the next blog (and final
one on codependence) I will address the challenges in
changing codependent behavior.
Blessings,
Priscilla
