Breaking Codependent Patterns (The promised follow-up post!)

One of the challenges to breaking your codependent patterns is the fact that your codependence does not only involve you, but the dependent you are codependent with—and sometimes this involves entire families.  When you decide to make changes in your behavior, you need to be prepared that your changes will also cause changes—usually unwelcomed—in others, especially the dependent in your codependent relationship.  Because of this, breaking your patterns of codependence has unique challenges, and requires preparation for what to expect.

A main task in changing your behavior is to learn about boundaries—especially, learning about responsibility and the lines between people in responsibility.  For example, we have talked in previous blogs about a wife’s codependence with an alcoholic husband.  Before trying to get free from her codependence, she walked on eggshells around him, placating and even assisting him in his alcoholic stupor: it was the easiest way to deal with him, but it also kept her in a codependent position. Now, she is determined to cease being codependent in her behavior.  She decides areas of responsibility that belong to her husband, and not to her.  She decides she will no longer: call his boss to make excuses when he is still drunk in the morning; purchase his cases of beer when she goes shopping; pretend to his mother and family that everything is ok; cushion the disappointment his children feel when he never comes through with promises; save a dinner for him in the oven when he comes home drunk in the late hours of the night; try to get him up in the morning for work or for an appointment; etc.  She has been a caretaker for her husband because of his addiction.  If she stops her behavior, he will suffer the consequences of his addiction, and despite how ‘mean’ that may sound, it is a good thing. 

 

A temptation for a codependent in making these changes is to let loose an anger which has been submerged for many years.  The tone with which you stop codependent behavior must be without anger—even though you might have a lot to be angry about!  It would be easy to become belittling and accusatory when the dependent starts to react to your changes.  At first he will be angry—that takes courage to handle.  But eventually, if you maintain lines of responsibility, he will become helpless and try to appeal to your kindness, or try to make you feel guilty.  None of us likes to see someone suffer, and dependents suffer when you draw the boundary lines.  You have to see past the immediate results to the desired end results—the fruition of which lies in the response of the dependent.  That is, he can get worse, quit his job, stop eating meals, drive when he’s drunk, etc., trying to get you to shift back to your old patterns of rescue and resentment.  If you do, you have relieved him once again of any responsibility for his functioning.  If you hold the line, then he may have to hit rock bottom before he realizes HE must do something to change his life. 

 

Another challenge to holding your boundaries is how other people will react too.  In this example, his mother might accuse you of being a terrible wife.  Or your pastor or church friend might accuse you of not being gracious or forgiving toward your husband.  It helps if you have prepared a way of describing your new responses to those who care about you and your family, such as, “I’m trying to help Joe take responsibility for his issues,” or “I’m learning how not to take on other’s responsibilities, even those of the people I love.”  But the most articulate explanation may still confound even your loving friends.  Our human nature is to not rock the boat, but keep things the way they are—even dysfunctional family patterns!  When one person makes a shift, everyone must shift in response—and no one likes to change especially when it is consequently foisted upon them.  But these changes are the natural consequences of your embracing a non-codependent way of life.  It is not mean, ungracious, or unforgiving to make these changes.  And here again is where you want to have the right tone—because if your tone is mean and deriding, then your response is more retributive than lovingly boundary-setting.
 

I think this new way of living is even more challenging to do when it comes to your children.  Parents want to protect their children, no matter how old they are, and will often do anything to prevent their children from suffering.  This can be a complicated picture especially when there are grandchildren involved.  How do you hold the line when your dependent adult child might end up losing her job, losing her home, or even losing her children?  How do you hold the line when she might stop talking to you, not let the grandchildren visit, or threaten to leave town?  No one can make these hard decisions for you.  That they are so difficult might cause you to relent, give in, and lie low with your new expectations.  But it is not without sacrifice.  Because the sacrifice is huge, no matter what you do, it is really only you who can make the decision, and only you who knows when you are ready to stand firm.  Sometimes it takes a few tries.

Letting go of a codependent lifestyle is freeing and powerful:  you learn that it is okay to love with boundaries, to address your own needs, and to even disappoint or upset those you love in the process.  Most codependents do not willingly step into conflict, and if you decide to change, you will face conflict!  I would heartily encourage anyone who sees himself in this situation, and who wants to get free of codependence, to seek counseling for direction and support.  Certainly Al-Anon has great support for those who are codependent with addicted loved ones.  I often refer people to Al-Anon.  But if you want personalized direction, counseling will help you process through all the benefits and challenges to a non-codependent way of life!

 

I hope these blogs have been encouraging to you!

 

Blessings,

Priscilla

 

Priscilla Ortlip MSW, LCSW

Founder and Executive Director
Christian Counselors Collaborative

www.cccpgh.org

 

Disclaimer:  I am a professional, licensed clinical therapist in the state of PA, but this blog is not a therapeutic venue—anything I state here is not for treatment or to address anyone’s specific emotional or mental health need.  If you are experiencing immediate distress, call 911.  If you would like to consider counseling with the CCC, please call CCC intake at 1.855.222.2575.