Typically, we learn how to be in relationship through the families we grow up in. In other words, if your family of origin had codependent dynamics, you likely learned those dynamics too, and brought them into your adult relationships. Sometimes people develop codependent behavior as a means of tolerating a difficult situation in their family of origin. The codependent tools become a means for survival or management, and usually these tools are not exchanged for healthier ones until you hit a crisis—which sends you (hopefully) into counseling, where you learn about your codependent dynamics.
Here’s a fictitious example. Jane grew up in a codependent family: her father was an abusive alcoholic, and her mother ‘walked on eggshells’ around him, so as not to upset him. If her mother complained or tried to stand up for herself and the children, Jane’s father blew up, throwing things, breaking things, and even at times pushing Jane’s mother physically. He was a ‘mean drunk’, demanding and critical, and all the family members just kept the peace by not confronting him in any way. Once in a while, Jane’s mother would yell back, but the penalty she suffered for this only reinforced keeping her mouth shut.
What does Jane learn in this situation? Here are some probable lessons learned, which are not typically learned at a cognitive level, but rather at an emotional level, unstated:
- Confrontation is dangerous, so don’t do it. Keeping quiet is safe.
- Jane father’s needs are the priority; your needs are not important, so don’t have any needs because they won’t be met.
- If you are hurting, just handle it. No one can do anything anyway.
- Emotions are hard to handle, if not dangerous, so just pretend you don’t have any so you (and your father) stay under control.
- Your role is to support and keep the peace.
There are more perhaps, but you can see what is ‘inherited’
in this family situation. How you react
also depends on your personality tendencies.
Many people react internally, and so are more likely to become
codependent in the typical fashion. But
some are more external in their reaction, and rather than comply (codependently)
with this horrible scenario, they act out and become belligerent, in an effort
to change the dynamic. They might
become a ‘competitive’ problem in the household, causing distress along with
the addicted father. When you are a child, you are powerless, and
have very few options open to you to make a bad situation better. Because of this, if a child responds by
complying, doing his best not to stir up trouble, this response can become
roots for codependence.
So when Jane starts to date, what kind of boy will she respond to? What will her choices be? She will likely not even know she has choices, first of all. And when someone is codependent, it isn’t magic that makes a man (in this case) who is demanding find a woman like Jane. She doesn’t consciously choose him anymore than he consciously chooses her—but a man similar to her father will see in her the compliance and malleability he needs in a woman, and she will see someone who needs her support, so the two connect. And the cycle begins again.
There are many ways codependence works in relationships; the usual addiction (drugs/alcohol) does not have to be present. Here are a few examples:
- A domestic violence relationship is codependent. There is enough ‘love’ expressed between the two that the victim believes it is worth staying for it, but the victim typically cannot express needs. Her focus is on him.
- Mental illness can create a codependent scenario. If the family walks on eggshells around someone with mental illness, there is a codependent dynamic which constrains everyone’s way of relating.
- Control can mask as religiosity in a family: a husband who demands strict obedience and uses the Bible as a bat to subdue any opinion other than his own, creates a codependent response in his wife and children. He may look God-honoring, but his behavior dynamics are about controlling others who obey in fear.
- A family in which there is someone who is helpless for valid reasons—like someone with chronic illness, or someone who is disabled or unable to work—can create a codependence in a relationship if s/he needs the focus on him/her at all times. The spouse becomes the support and ‘do-er’ in the relationship and takes no time for his/her needs.
Please understand these examples are possible situations for codependence. Not all families with disability or mental
illness, for example, have codependent dynamics. But these situations create a fertile ground
for such. The issue is imbalance in the relationships—where one
person’s needs, legitimate in their roots perhaps, override everyone else’s
needs.
What you can see in these examples is the basis for the dynamic the codependent has with the dependent—or the person of focus. In drug addiction, the alcoholic is the dependent, and the codependent is the spouse, parent, or child. In this and the above examples, the codependent is as ‘addicted’ as the target addict: the codependent has a compulsive connection to the dependent in the relationship, and often struggles to get free, once aware of this dynamic.
Next time, I will address what perceived and subconscious benefits the codependent has (the basis for the codependent’s addiction), and what she gains in this relationship.
Blessings,
Priscilla
Priscilla Ortlip MSW, LCSW, ACS
Founder and Executive DirectorChristian Counselors Collaborative
www.cccpgh.org
Disclaimer: I am a professional, licensed clinical therapist in the state of PA, but this blog is not a therapeutic venue—anything I state here is not for treatment or to address anyone’s specific emotional or mental health need. If you are experiencing immediate distress, call 911. If you would like to consider counseling with the CCC, please call Tom Laird at 1.855.222.2575.
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