What Is Codependence?

You have probably heard about codependence.  This term developed from the field of addiction, describing the relationship between an addict and someone in relationship with the addict.  The ‘codependent’ is one who is ‘psychologically dependent on the (addict) in an unhealthy way’ (Dictionary.com).  In Love Is A Choice, by Hemfelt, Minirth, and Meier, codependence is defined as: ‘an addiction to people, behaviors, or things.  Codependence is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside.  To the codependent, control or the lack of it is central to every aspect of life’ (p.11).  That is a complicated definition, because there is so much involved in a codependent relationship.  I hope to help decipher some of the aspects of this relationship over the next few blogs. 

On the surface, codependence appears to be a very benign if not benevolent way to be: codependents are typically helpful, ‘be there for you’ kinds of people.  And from my years of counseling people with codependence, I believe it is a natural way to be for those whose hearts are kind and helpful.  At her root, the codependent is not manipulative.  But when you look at codependent behavior, you could conclude that the codependent exhibits controlling and even manipulative behavior.  It is an interesting contradiction, and I will get into the dynamics of it as we unpack this issue.

What does codependent behavior look like?  Well, a typical codependent is defined through relationship with an addict.  (The addict too, is codependent in this relationship.  The ‘co‘ suggests they need each other in this codependence, but for different reasons, meeting different needs.)  So, for example, the wife of a drug addict might be codependent by tolerating addicted behavior (which can often be abusive), helping protect the addict from the law or his boss, making excuses for him when he cannot get to work, etc.  Some codependents actually purchase the cases of beer so that there is always alcohol in the house for the alchoholic!  I have often seen codependence in a parent, tolerating addicted behavior of a child: the adult son, for example, who cannot hold a job, who continues to ‘borrow’ money from his parents, and who crashes at their home because he cannot support himself.  Some parents live like this for years, because they do not want to see their son on the street, homeless, or helpless.  I can only imagine how difficult this situation would be for a parent.

No doubt you have heard of the term ‘tough love’, which refers to ways of dealing with an addict.  Tough love refers to setting up boundaries around the addict’s behavior, so that any codependent behavior stops.  The rationale is this: if you continue to make excuses for the addict, you help contribute to the addict’s ‘comfort’ in not changing.  If he has a reliable place to crash, then he will never reach ‘rock bottom’ and never have to deal with his addiction.  These principals are all essentially true.  As difficult as it may feel for a parent (using the same example), you must let the addict ‘crash and burn’ so that he recognizes that HE must do something to change for his own survival.  No one else can help him.  Codependents try to help in their kind ways, but inadvertently prevent the addict from getting free from addiction.

If you look beneath the surface of this codependent behavior, you can consider that there are different subconscious reasons someone might be codependent with an addict.  Let’s use this parent and addicted son example again.  The codependent behavior is not intended to prevent healing, although that’s essentially what the codependent does.  Rather, the codependent behavior may be driven by a desire to: avoid the pain and grief of seeing your son suffer; avoid being without the relationship (if he becomes homeless, or goes into treatment); avoid focus on other broken relationships; avoid facing your own problems and issues.  When you are wrapped around someone else’s issues, you have no time to deal with your own.  Codependents become as trapped as the addict in life focus.

To become free from codependent behavior, you have to be willing to explore your own subconscious motives.  Again, these are not malicious motives, but survival motives, usually—ways of doing and being which meet a need from years ago.  Once you find a way to cope with brokenness (trauma, abuse, emotional injury) you stick to it, because it has helped you survive.  Learning about your behaviors helps you understand them, and helps you choose to change them.  And there is wonderful freedom in that change!  I see it all the time, by God’s grace.

I will begin to address some of the less obvious situations where there is codependence, in the next blog. 

Blessings,
Priscilla

Priscilla Ortlip MSW, LCSW, ACS

Founder and Executive Director
Christian Counselors Collaborative
www.cccpgh.org

Disclaimer:  I am a professional, licensed clinical therapist in the state of PA, but this blog is not a therapeutic venue—anything I state here is not for treatment or to address anyone’s specific emotional or mental health need.  If you are experiencing immediate distress, call 911.  If you would like to consider counseling with the CCC, please call Tom Laird at 1.855.222.2575.